2016雅思寫作段落精細修改範例

雅思成績被越來越多的外國駐華企業所認可。英語水平是外企招聘中國僱員的重要標準之一，而雅思成績則被外企作為客觀、全面反應應聘者英語水平的硬件指標。以下是yjbys網小編整理的關於雅思寫作段落精細修改範例，供大家備考。

學生版本(6分)：Violent crime is more common phenomenon in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.

修改後版本: 7分示範 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities. While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this violation, I still reckon that these two parties are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security.

考生作文解析：Violent crime is more common phenomenon (暴力犯罪是很少見的，但是有些學生很隨便的“模板”思維就説，這是個很尋常的事情，殊不知這給考官會留下很差的邏輯不嚴謹的印象。需要修改為：a rare phenomenon 不符合常情) in the modern city, some people claim that police carrying with guns would promote(stimulate 用詞不準確)it, but I don't reckon there is no necessary link between them.

修改後版本: 7分示範 Violent crime is a rare phenomenon in modern cities.(背景句要符合事實，客觀細化描述) While some people claim that policemen carrying with guns would stimulate this ( 用代詞指代前面出現的名詞，是高分作文的特點，能增加句子和句子之間銜接的力度) violation( 詞彙的多樣性體現), i still reckon (表達觀點時候，先寫對方然後寫自己能夠句子之間的邏輯，是批判性思維的體現) that these two parties (用代詞指代前面出現的名詞，是高分作文的特點，能增加句子和句子之間銜接的`力度) are closely relevant and conversely, the armed policemen would benefit to social security. (學會寫並列句and thus ,and therefore, and conversely 能有效增加句子展開的力度

學 生版本(6分)：There are several elements which could effect people’s job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the fundamental demand of seeking a work. Majority of people consider that the more money they earn the more happy they get because people can support their family better with a higher wage。

改版本答案用來回答：是哪些因素影響僱員的工作滿意度。

考生作文解析：學生的答案，語法問題一處，就是effect 是名詞，要修改成動詞affect, 這2個詞容易混淆。另外的主要問題是中國學生一般英文不注重CC 就是連貫度的問題，就是句子和句子之間的邏輯和內在聯繫不夠，即使表面上是有：外在連接詞的。

There are several contributing factors ( 直接用地道詞夥，效果更好) leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite (直接用地道詞夥，效果更好)to the decent job as the majority of employees(寫僱員，不要再寫PEOPLE) consider that the more money they(用they 來指代前面出現的人，能夠提高句子和句子的銜接) earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.(解釋一下為什麼錢重要的原因，是本段用來展開作文的理由的關鍵)

修改後版本: 7分示範 There are several contributing factors leading to job satisfaction. Firstly, salary is the prerequisite to the decent job as the majority of employees consider that the more money they earn, the more happy they will get ,which is obvious in this highly priced society.

拓展閲讀：寫作題目

Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports

stars, even though theydo not set a good example. Do you think this is a

positive or negativedevelopment?

　題目寫作思路分析

大綱：邏輯心圖，四段定位，18句裝配。

起--好現象，因為對年輕人來説，既是心態正常又是反應社會發展，與道德考慮無關。

承--理由例子細節。年輕人崇拜明星是極其正常的心裏歷程，無關道德榜樣。

轉--理由例子細節。年輕人崇拜明星是反應媒體社會的影響，無關道德榜樣。

合--整體而言是好現象，到底青年人免不了崇拜明星，所以道德的聯想應該擺在一邊。

範文

There is no need to be overly preoccupied with the fantasy images of

starsstanding out from the rest on the screen, the stage and the playing

fieldbecause celebrity worship is part of everyday life, particularly

amongadolescents. That young people are admiring media and sports

celebrities issocially normal outside the academic and behavioral

context. Accepting that itis good and natural to be young, then it is

inevitable for young people to beobsessed with certain personalities as

their ideal examples.

Psychologically speaking, a certain amount of

star admiration is young, becoming fans of favorite

stars is a form of escapism and a way todull emotional pain and stress;

so, emulating celebrities is a natural part ofdevelopment to identify

themselves with their icons. Even in adulthood, peoplerank successful

individuals highly and model themselves after them. In a globalmedia

culture, the lifestyle promoted by stars is often unattainable to

theaverage person, regardless of whether it is realistic or ideal.

Hence, the pointis that young people choose their models for reasons

based on renownedexcellence in a specific field rather than on scandals

that happen is, it is to admire what is shining in famous

people's career successes andnot what happen to shadow their real

lives.

Not unlike fashion, "star worship syndrome" is simply a

social development,although there could be an unhealthy interest in the

private lives of actors,actresses, pop singers, and sports players.

Admiring celebrities may be as blindas falling in love, and just as

normal. When it comes to immature and confusedminds, love cannot be

avoided, nor can admiration for heroes and heroines. Suchstar obsession

has proliferated since the creation of the mass media andtherefore it

had better not be regarded as a moral issue. To believe thatcelebrity

worship is a negative development only makes out-of-date moral

sense,leading to nowhere. In this gossip world, to criticize celebrities

for failingto deliver good examples all the time beyond their

specialized fields calls forthe need to stop, in the first place, the

media outlets from reporting whatgossip is made of.

Admiration for favorite stars does no harm to people, young or old;besides, star

admiration cannot be avoided in this information age. Fortunately,most

fans are able to learn to tell a realistic world from an ideal world

duringthis period between no-longer children and not-yet adults, without

having torefer to moral examples. Indeed, there is nothing wrong about

young peopleseeking their idols by looking up at the shining stars in

the fantasy world towhich many young people naturally belong.